It’s Bura Na Maano Holi Hai, where strategic affairs meet colourful chaos, and the world of diplomacy gets a splash of something far more unpredictable than the usual international commentary.
It’s that time of year when we throw a little colour into the otherwise grey world of strategic thinking—after all, why shouldn’t international relations get a touch of the festival’s wildness?
So, buckle up for this colourfully serious take on global strategic chaos, where the world’s leaders, much like Holi revellers, find themselves covered in a mess of upended geopolitical powder.
Let’s begin with India
The grandmaster of strategic fence-sitting—north, south, east, west—India is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The country has perfected the art of playing both sides, but even that couldn’t save it from the wrath of the one and only tariff king, US President Donald Trump.
Picture this: India, caught in the middle of a strategic Holi festival, with colours flying in every direction—some we didn’t even ask for. Argumentative Indians are organising seminars on Trumpian tariffs against India as their sincere argumentations are grandly ignored in the Trumpian world.
As for our hyped role in ending wars, we tried dialling up both sides as the world’s most committed international phone operator, making sure no one really picked up. And just when the Americans need a mediator to compensate for the Oval Office showdown, our lines are engaged: “Sorry, the person you are trying to reach is busy giving Indians their next great feel-good story. Please leave a message after the bhajan.”
Let’s be honest. The UAE and Saudi Arabia seem to be acing the mediation game right now—all without ‘a suit’. As for India? Well, it’s nice to pretend we are still in the running, because how can India not have an answer, regardless of the problem? Vishwaguru vibes!
Also read: India has tariffs for 3 reasons. One is sheer stupidity
The Trump show
Back in the United States, Trump has been keeping the meme world bustling, but let’s not ignore the real issue—Free Melania. Have you seen how the First Lady doesn’t even glance at the first man? Meanwhile, the Second Lady, Usha Vance, is practically glued to Mr Second Fiddle, JD Vance, demonstrating the true meaning of strategic loyalty. Forget about arms deals or ceasefires—marital diplomacy could very well be the next frontier in strategic affairs. Cheers to Usha Vance for laying the groundwork here.
And then there’s Trump’s hair. Once upon a time, former UK prime minister Boris Johnson was the uncontested champion of global hair (un)cut diplomacy. Then Trump showed up and grabbed the crown. It’s the perfect symbol of his obsession with strategic real estate. After all, why just negotiate peace treaties and ceasefires when you can grab Greenland and Gaza, and turn the former into a military base and the latter into a riviera? If there’s land, Trump wants it. If it has rare earth minerals, even better. And the First Lady is fine as long as she is not accompanying him at these grab gigs.
But Trump isn’t just focused on plots—he’s trying to blur the line between deal and treaties altogether, with a weapon of mass destruction called the Executive Order.
Macron, the nuclear “saviour”
Speaking of power and strategic mileage, French President Emmanuel Macron takes his constitutionally vested powers so literally, one would think he’d be guarding the last croissant in all of Paris if the constitution let him. Just as we thought he was a spent force, using all emergency provisions to avoid cohabitation and ignore French strategic setbacks in the Francophone world, Trump and Putin bequeathed him with a new role—the saviour of Europe—replete with a couple of nuclear weapons. Even in the toughest times, Europe has its nuclear options, as Macron assures the world on X every day.
Of course, it’s nice to have someone who’ll smile through skyrocketing debt and rising unemployment, like Macron does. Just don’t ask him about the practical use of those nukes, and don’t ask him how French boots on the ground will tread the streets of Ukraine with a strategic gap called absence of US backstop. Statements are meant to be fun.
Also read: India-US ties stuck in cute acronyms. Delhi must wait out the chaos
Regulatory acrobatics
Over in Brussels, the European Union has mastered the art of regulation and debate. Need a new slogan? They have it covered—ReArm, ReFuel, RePower. Need more regulations? You’re in the right place. But while the rest of the world is busy making decisions, the EU is stuck in the eternal loop of “another debate on the regulation decided last week”.
One would think they’d have figured it out in so many decades, but no—they’ve got a second wind. Just don’t ask them to make up their minds about Ukraine—they are regulating ‘as long as it takes’. But they are also creating consensus among the member states, despite the dynamic duo of disgruntlement: Hungary and Slovakia—the EU’s favourite rebels without a cause.
Since Slovak PM Robert Fico doesn’t matter much, even to the Slovakians, it makes sense to focus on his Hungarian counterpart, Viktor Orbán, the poster boy of Euroscepticism. Orbán’s favourite hobby at the moment is to see how far he can provoke EU lawmakers on Ukraine, secure some Covid funds in return, and always stay just below the threshold of quitting the EU or NATO. Orbán expresses love for Russia until he is either bought or bypassed. And frankly, that’s the grand strategy, because who doesn’t love a strategic crisis?
Enough of mainland Europe, time for a detour.
The fight over Nagorno-Karabakh is a testament to Russia’s brilliant defence strategy in the Caucasus—supply weapons to both sides in a deep-rooted conflict while weakening its own Collective Security Treaty Organization (CSTO) from within. But then, Russia forced Sweden and Finland to join NATO while waging war against the alliance’s eastward expansion in Eastern Europe. Landing the exact opposite of its strategic aims has been Russian strategic brilliance for a while now.
But one feels bad for CSTO. Long before Trump and Vance rendered NATO’s Article 5—the collective security clause—doubtful, it was Russia that set the precedent. CSTO, the Russian NATO, had already made history by motivating its treaty ally Armenia to publicly announce quitting. Why? Because Russia managed to arm both CSTO member Armenia and non-CSTO friend Azerbaijan, all but smirking as the latter defeated the former.
Fast forward to 2025, and India has solidified itself as the top defence supplier to Armenia—because why not? Everybody loves a good crisis.
Before we wrap the saga of European discontent, a few lines on a ‘comeback’
Also read: India-UK ties have underperformed. Britain must do more to build strategic trust
The return of Britain—sort of
The UK, long relegated to the backseat of European geopolitics, is trying to claw its way back to relevance. Thanks to Prime Minister Keir Starmer, Britain has managed to remind everyone it still matters. Starmer has joined Macron’s rhetoric of sending boots on the ground for European security, once again banking on a US backstop that doesn’t exist.
But not all is bad. For a larger role in the Indo–Pacific, the Brits will be speeding up negotiations on the Free Trade Agreement (FTA), which will hopefully give them some free trade and India some investments. And the ‘Khalistani’ kahani? Well…
Then there’s the enigma called Elon Musk. Committed to Tesla, DOGE, and everything in between, Musk is walking the tightrope between genius and chaos. Even as Tesla shares tumble and the Department of Government Efficiency leaves him alienated in the unseen chambers of the Oval Office, he continues to balance his businesses with his baby-making side hustle. But nothing screams “strategic mastermind” quite like using X to crush your own empire. Sheer brilliance.
His strategic love, China, is keeping silent on everything else while freaking the hell out of Taiwan. Taipei is feverishly investing in the US to keep Trump appeased and engaged in the Taiwanese cause through lucrative ‘deals’. But given Trump’s unpredictability, there exist no guarantees for Taiwan’s quest for liberty either.
And then, of course, there’s Vladimir Putin—the man who wants to outlive us all. Apparently, achieving strategic nirvana through unwinnable wars is the new strategic goal for leaders across the authoritarian axis. Nothing beats their creativity like digging up a problem near their borders when none exists, diving into wars of grinding attrition, and giving business to the military+meme industrial complex.
The Holi Hai of strategic affairs
As we charge headfirst into this Holi season of international relations, let’s remember that strategy can always use a little colour. But, of course, this battlefield is not for the faint-hearted. Between memes, TikTok videos, and international land grabs, the world has never been more chaotic. So, let’s enjoy the ride—but also keep a bottle of colour-safe diplomacy at hand, because it might get messier out there.
Swasti Rao is a consulting editor at ThePrint and a foreign policy expert. She tweets @swasrao. Views are personal.
(Edited by Aamaan Alam Khan)
It is horrifying to note that this brain dead , vacuous , self vertified foreign affairs expert was funded by govt of india >> what a load of bs. No wonder she was kicked pout when she mocked defence minister rajnath singh ji as kadi ninda. Couptaji always hires people with zero iq to write for hm, so that he with a id score of 5 lloks great in front of them
Fine tour de force. Old fashioned enough to believe we should focus on setting things right with China and Pakistan, our burger and fries super combo, and watch the rest of the. world have fun with colours.